- I am still coming up on empty regarding the progression of my stock. I am inspired to do something else rather than continuing the stuff that was half-done, and now I am considering whether or not I should pursue that inspiration instead. The Bead Dreams competition is due on March 24, I figured I still have plenty of time to finish it and I will just progress as sloooooowlyyyyyy as I can. Talk about snail speed, LOL. My mood for February is always about orange, red, yellow and other bright colors, and I was really entertained seeing one red and orange after another, while my half-done jewelries are mainly in blue and/or green. It is interesting to observe that my preference of colors changes as the month changes. Probably it is because of the seasons – even though we in Indonesia literally face heavy storm, cold, and rain every day now for the last three weeks.
- I got this thing that I invented – it is called “The Book of Ideas”. Normally my brains are filled with one idea after another and I sincerely got tired of saving everything on my phone/PC. What I do now is to print out the pics/whatever that brought me the idea, and then glue the pic to this diary that I have. I also add my own writings/ideas about it, and stuff that I can think of at the moment. When I can’t print the pics, I draw a rough sketch that would describe it. This book helps me a lot to get things off my mind – especially technical stuff that I am supposed to remember, such as the method of finishing necklace strands, rings, etc etc. And I found that writing (using a pen) really helps me to concentrate back on what I have in mind, instead of letting it flow out while typing. I think this is another “invention” that will work marvelously for me, after the “jar of happiness”. There is that research that I read somewhere about how people can lose their concentration slowly because of typing. And also minute reflexes. I was so scared that it would happen to me, that is why I decided to write using a pen again. Because I type a lot
- OK … my idea for the Bead Dreams competition is actually about Shinta from the Rama-Shinta epic. I designed the necklaces to come out as pairs but eventually I realized that I never liked Rama. I think that he was a chauvinist narcissistic creep and he caused Shinta a great deal of misery. I don’t like distrusting guys and Rama was on my list of “distrusting guys that I should avoid”. So I decided to make something just for Shinta. I did my extensive research and comparison of Shinta’s character from several cultures, listened to tunes that would help me design, and … I managed to switch wires two times, and switch stones two times. It was really frustrating – usually I would just “nail it”, but now I have to progress slowly and consider every aspect before continuing on each step. I was light about this competition – I mean, I want to win but I am focusing more on my effort on creating something that would really depict my concept instead of thinking about “how” I should win this competition. Then I browsed through past years’ winners and thought that my concept was too simple and less “wow” than the winners. Oh no no no, I shouldn’t think this way but nonetheless I thought about it and it was a wrong thing to do. And so I managed to avoid looking at past winners and just so happened I opened my Facebook … and bam! There she is, a friend who is also making a piece for the competition, and her piece was so complicated, I got a headache looking at mine. I don’t know if this is self-esteem syndrome or an artist syndrome … but that night I decided to let it all out, I have to do my best even if it takes forever to do so (… well, I actually don’t have forever). I am not showing my friend’s piece to anyone and I am not comparing her style with mine either, we are so different and I don’t want to keep my hopes up for anything. I just want to do my best.
- And so, my headache for this week is Shinta – who is not actually loved by everyone but I understand how she must’ve felt. She is the symbol of blind love and devotion, and she was the perfect wife of a not-so-perfect husband. I was once that kind of a person – who struggled to reach perfection even though it was impossible to do so. But I am not without contradiction. I struggle to reach perfection when I actually understand that the only perfect being is God. Until one day one of my friend mentioned about how a certain zodiac has the tendency to see only black and white, right and wrong – there is no grey area so if you are not perfect, then you are .. flawed. Suddenly I remembered that my Dad was like that – he was all black-and-white-and-no-grey person. While me? I understand that grey areas exists, people can turn bad and bad people can turn good. My cousin had issues but he loves me. My husband has anger issues but now he changed. People changed. And so why this contradiction inside my head? Probably because of my Dad. I tried so hard to impress him when actually it was an effort waiting to fail. He never saw me as perfect and that didn’t make him happy. I wanted to be an artist more than I wanted to become a translator (even though I love this job). I didn’t realize that this created contradictions in my mind, and when I did realize it about a week ago, things suddenly changed. I saw that I never wanted to be perfect and my perfection was a combination of love, desire, and the effort to make it happen. Finally I accepted that I can be less than perfect any time, and that thought .. soothed me. And along with that thought, my performance increased. I became aware of my obligations and never “carry” the stress of not being perfect anymore. I started to care less about the outcome and started to try my best. That is why I am letting all things go as they flow. My desire to become that perfect person like my Dad wanted has vanished.
So .. that’s about it. Have a lovely weekend, you all